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In a lot of ways, this was the meal of things that annoy me.

I don’t like apples. It’s something about their slimy texture and round shape. They provoke a distaste in me that has no real logic, but, disgusts me nonetheless.

When I don’t like a food, it helps me to chop it up small, so it’s less recognizable. I’m fine with the taste of apple. I’ll eat a slice of apple pie if it’s the only dessert there (gotta have sweets). So, I decided to make some apple chutney. To go inside some crepes.

I don’t like French, the language that is. It was the only thing I was ever bad at in school. I remember one day I had a cold and my teacher was all excited because my stuffed up nasal passages gave me some semblance of a correct accent. On that day, studying French crossed the line from “annoying” to “downright stupid” and it hasn’t gone back since. Even when I had a boyfriend from the actual place of France. We didn’t last long.

Crepes have always been alright though. For some reason, I’ve always been good at making them. It’s the savant in me. Maybe I was already annoyed by the apples, but the crepes were seeming extra French to me as I was making them, so they annoyed me too.

The poor roasted chicken almost didn’t stand a chance. Except, I bought it from the store already roasted. I so cheated!!! But I think if I hadn’t, something really bad would have happened, so it’s just as well. I like chicken. I’d hate for it to annoy me too.

Anyhoo, I had to use a non-dairy crepe recipe. I didn’t have any soy milk around, so I used the vanilla almond milk I had made a cake with earlier this week (which turned out to be a train wreck that I’d rather not talk about). I was worried the crepes would turn out too sweet for a savory meal. I almost added some allspice that I was using in the chutney, but I decided not to to test how sweet they would be without it. But, in the end, you couldn’t taste the vanilla at all. So feel free to sub away with what you’ve got hanging around.

This was the chutney recipe I used, with golden delicious apples. It turned out really well! The only thing that didn’t work for me was the amount of red wine vinegar. It just kept simmering away. I kept waiting for the juice from the apples to kick it up in the liquid end of things, but, that never happened. At least not to the extent I needed it to. So I kept pouring in more vinegar. I probably used three times as much as the recipe calls for. And that was perfect. Everything was moist and yummy. I think I’ll use this recipe as a base for future chutneys. I’d like to add some nuts next time, to give it some crunch.

Soooo… even though I was slightly annoyed most of the time I was cooking, everything turned out really well. That makes me happy because inevitably, you are going to be annoyed sometimes, for one reason or another. At least you can eat well.

What? I’ve been busy. Such is life. As far as cooking and food are concerned, I’ve had two very important developments.

One, my new kitchen. Mock the suburbs all you want. Yes, I’m talking to you, the snooty people that read food blogs. I love my suburban kitchen and all its glorious counter space.

Look at it!

Now imagine it with this!

Cause that’s what we bought when we moved in! Purdy, isn’t it?

I’m not nearly as enthusiastic about the second development. I’ve discovered that I’m either lactose-intolerant, or allergic to milk. I don’t think it’s a full blown allergy. I hope not. I’m allergic to everything else (dust, cats, mold, pollen, grass, etc.), so I worry. But, I’m also tested a lot. No one said a thing about milk last time. The time before that they did though. :/

All I know for sure at this point, is that I haven’t had milk for about two months, and I feel better than I have in years. I miss the taste, for sure, but I don’t miss how I used to feel. So I’m not tempted to have any. At some point (after the holidays, probably) I’ll figure out of it’s a lactose thing or not, and that will inform my diet. But, expect a lot more dairy-free recipes. No milk. No butter. No whey. No cheese. It makes cooking problematic, but, not as much as I would have thought. It’s a lot harder to go out to eat, because you become that person asking the server 12 hundred questions. You also become the person no one invites over for pizza, because you ruin all the fun. Oh well. Such is life. Again.

Pesticides are good in some ways, don’t get me wrong. I’m all about a good mosquito killer. But that doesn’t mean I want to be ingesting them. I’m not all fanatical about buying organic food, but, if I can help it, a food’s organic-ness is a factor in my purchasing.

A friend of mine pointed out this recent study, on the “Dirty Dozen” fruits and veggies that apparently run amok with pesticides. And conversely, fruits and veggies that stay fairly pesticide-free, organic or not.

Onward with smart purchasing decisions!

“You can reduce your exposure to pesticides by up to 80 percent by buying the organic version of the Dirty Dozen.”

• Celery
• Peaches
• Strawberries
• Apples
• Domestic blueberries
• Nectarines
• Sweet bell peppers
• Spinach, kale and collard greens
• Cherries
• Potatoes
• Imported grapes
• Lettuce

The “Clean 15″ contain little to no pesticides.

• Onions
• Avocados
• Sweet corn
• Pineapples
• Mango
• Sweet peas
• Asparagus
• Kiwi fruit
• Cabbage
• Eggplant
• Cantaloupe
• Watermelon
• Grapefruit
• Sweet potatoes
• Sweet onions

My absence can be summed up in one sentence:

“The boyfriend” shall now be known as “the husband.”

I just helped him make tsatsiki. AND he just got me a beer. I’m going to like the married life…

Now that all the rigmarole has died down, it’s time to get back to the blog. Allow me to jot down a few thoughts I’ve had regarding food and weddings.

1) We attempted to introduce our friends and family to the wonders of asparagus by including it on our reception menu. But it was soggy. Damn it. Now we’ll have to invite them over to dinner one by one to make them some good asparagus, just so they don’t keep the wrong idea.

2) You know how you are supposed to freeze some wedding cake and then eat it on your first anniversary? Yeah, our freezer isn’t that big. We’re eating it now instead. Screw it. It was a delicious carrot cake tier and I would rather eat it sans freezer burn anyway.

3) The wedding even helped me in my attempt to recreate Chipotle’s chicken. I stopped in on my way back from my hair and make-up trial. There was some 16-year-old kid behind the counter who got all slack-jawed and was like, “You have beautiful eyes…” “Hey, thanks. So…. what do you put in the chicken?” heh heh heh. More on that in a later post.

4) We went to Sonoma/Napa on our honeymoon, so we tastes a lot of wine. Our favorite was Bartholomew Park in Sonoma. They don’t distribute, but you can buy online. We ended up buying the cab (2005) and the sauvignon blanc (2006). The sauvignon blanc was actually a big deal for us, because we don’t like white wine all that much. Damn, I’m using “we” already. It’s true though! The husband likes it a wee bit more than me though. But this was pretty tasty, so we decided to go with it.

Stag ’s Leap was delicious too, especially their premium stuff. But it costs way too much money. I’m also happy to report that Malbec is popping up in Napa here and there. If you aren’t aware, I’ll drink Malbec with anything. It’s my favorite. The Napa versions weren’t as good as the stuff from South America, but, I’m glad they are trying.

5) We bought a lovely set of Riedel Vitis champagne glasses for our toast. If you are looking for a high-quality set, I recommend them. Especially if you are a giant, because they are enormous.

6) A channel wedding ring makes cooking… interesting.

7) Licking envelopes still tastes nasty. I’m waiting for someone to invent glue that tastes like cupcakes.

All in all, my cooking skills have grown tremendously. I’m reaching the point where I don’t need a recipe anymore. That’s huge! One night, my husband even reached for seconds of something I made. That’s even huger than the no-recipe thing, because he never gets seconds of anything. We alternate cooking nights, so I’m always on the lookout for fun and interesting new food to try.

It’s nice to be back!

I made wiener schnitzel again!

I even remembered to save some lemon for garnish, and to put my greens on the plate. See, I’m learning! The point of this project, actually, was to play around with a different breading technique.

I used panko this time. That’s not too crazy. I doubled it again. That’s not too crazy either. But it was a little much. Double panko tasted great, but it also stuck together to itself and totally ditched the veal. It was almost like oil and water. I couldn’t get them to stay together no matter how hard I tried.

A slab of unbreaded veal looks pretty gross, for the record.

Okay. You probably think I’ve been slacking. Well, I have been, but only as far as blogging goes. I have dutifully been taking pictures of my cooking. And of course, enough time has passed that these are now mystery meals. Perhaps that says something about them.

It’s good to have a little mystery in life.

Hmm. I seem to be imagining history wrong in my head again. i can’t find any pictures. I guess that really does make this post crazy.

I have not forgotten you, chemotherapy recipes.

It’s just that, this is a really tough problem! I’ve been gathering information for the past few weeks. Gathering recipes that other people recommend, gathering food substitutions, and gathering lots of (conflicting) information about what people can and cannot tolerate on chemotherapy.

Here’s my unscientific list of that last so far:

Food that cannot be tolerated
Onions, many herbs, vegetable juices, broccoli, milk & dairy, ice cream, vegetables, chicken, chocolate, italian food, hot liquids, garlic, red wine, fried foods

Foods that can be tolerated
Dairy, potatoes, pickled things, chocolate, fruit smoothie, rice, ginger, green tea, greek salads, broccoli, green beans, caesar salads, starches, pasta, soups, sandwiches, fruit, chicken chop suey, salads, creamy soups, veggie soups, cheese, zucchini, lemon-flavoring, jello, banana bread, bananas, cool whip, scrambled eggs, toast, oatmeal, pudding, applesauce, tomato soup, baby spinach, dark greens, avocado, portabella mushrooms, goat cheese, feta cheese, scallions, strawberries

Foods that tasted different
Sweets, watermelon, ice cream, water, grape faygo (soda)

Foods that were easiest to taste
garlic, salt

Seriously, putting that all together is quite the puzzle. But I like puzzles. I LOVE puzzles, in fact. So I shall prevail.

In the meantime, does anyone out there on chemo have any input? What tastes good/bad/awful/bland? Lemme know!

I can only call this diet cake.

I hate that word… diet. And the way it is sneered about whenever I grab a low-fat version of something,”Oh, are you on a diet?”

I dunno. Sort of?

I’ve lost about 20 pounds since Easter, and the reasons for it vary. A lot of it is just cooking for myself. It hardly even matters what I’m cooking either; it’s all better for me than a steady diet of McDonalds. Cheaper too! I’m kicking myself for not realizing this sooner. Oh well. I’m also on weight watchers, which hasn’t forced me to do anything except track what I’m eating, which keeps my portions under control. But it’s also given me access to a lot of “low-point” recipes, which taste pretty awesome in lots of cases. And frankly, the “diet” differences have taught me a lot about how food works, and that there are many different ways to make a certain sauce, for example.

I prefer to think of the whole thing as re-learning how to eat.

But, I won’t deny that making your weight go backwards is a challenge. You have to learn what you can live with in terms of cutting corners. For me, it’s low-fat mayo instead of the real stuff. I can also let go of french fries. And I think I lost ten pounds alone by substituting my morning breakfast sandwich and doughnut for some cereal.

However, I have a sweet tooth. I refuse to let chocolate go.

So my ears perked up at my ww meeting this week, when the leader said, “You all know about making cake with diet soda instead of oil, right?”

I had never heard of such a thing, but most of the people there had tried it. You just take ordinary cake mix, and dump in a diet soda instead of the water, eggs, and oil. Sounds simple enough, and there are lots of flavor combos you could try. I used a dark chocolate cake mix with a vanilla cream soda, because that sounded safe to me.

And it tasted great!

I was so skeptical, but it just tasted like ordinary, store bought cake. Hardly gourmet, but, excellent for the people who insist on chocolate daily. And the best part is, if I made it the ordinary way, that one piece of cake would have contained an extra 200 calories. I am SOLD!

A few more pointers:

• Use the Waist Watchers brand soda. It doesn’t contain any aspartame which can be weird to cook with because the aspartame breaks down when heated, so I’m told.
• Don’t use an entire can. Dump a little bit out or take a gulp first.
• Top with fat-free whipped cream instead of frosting for additional “diet” goodness.

My next test is to see if my bf likes it. He’s more skeptical than me, but I think he’ll be surprised.

Cake please!

I feel like I’ve been slacking. Sorry ’bout that. It’s a combo of it being a busy time at work, and this damn rain sucking the life out of me (New Yorkers, you feel me, right?). I haven’t exactly been drooling on my coach eating cheetos, but I haven’t been cooking all that much either. That shall change!

In the meantime, I wanted to share this video on knife shopping. The two guys in it are bloggers for my local paper. The expert is Steve Barnes, who writes a weekly restaurant column. And the other guy is Matt Baumgartner, who, despite owning three successful restaurants, seems to be more clueless than me about food. It’s subtly hilarious and informative. I think Steve should have his own TV show. I’d watch it.

For his birthday, I got my bf a Wusthof Santoku knife. He knows what he’s doing and won’t accidentally cut his finger off like I would. He seemed quite pleased.

I don’t have any ridiculously nice knives myself. I got a real bread knife for Christmas though, and a hand-me-down chef’s knife. They made a world of difference to me. But I have to admit, I was terrified of them at first.

Here’s an anecdote for you. 11th grade. Some friends of mine decide to come over and watch a movie. After much debate, they settle upon “Children of the Corn.” Being my friends, they knew I wouldn’t like it. I don’t do scary movies. But being bastards, they brought it over anyway. Like the time they made me watch “Silence of the Lambs.” Heh.

The movie starts. The eerie music is playing. The kids are looking creepy. And then…

“AHHHH!!! THE SILVERWARE!!!!”

I honest to God ran out of the room. The forks and knifes were too shiny and were glinting menacingly. I could put two and two together. I’m no fool.

I am, however, still made fun of for “the silverware incident.” I also still keep my chef’s knife in its plastic covering, tucked deep into the drawer. I’m happy to report that I’m not scared to wash it anymore though. That’s progress.

If Christopher Walken can make cooking videos, so can I.

Thanks Kory.